That Awkward Moment When The Truth Hurts

 

“You will know the truth. And the truth will set you free.”

Dear Reader,

When I was in high school, I attended a bi-weekly great books program. It was slated for your final three years, and its focus shifted every year. It began with writers like the Inklings, and concluded with thinkers like Dante, Martin Luther and Athanasias.

At least once a month (probably more, but I can’t even give educated approximates at this point in my life… it has been 10 years, after all) the statement “Seek truth, goodness and beauty” was spoken over us as students.

It is a constant mantra for me, replaying in my mind daily, and it has spilled into my parenting.

 

It always seemed like common sense… as in, “Why wouldn’t I or anyone else pursue those things?”

But it’s not… And only until recently has that thought process been challenged.

 

Friends, we have lost our drive to pursue good things.

We have lost sight of our call to pursue truth.

What does Paul encourage?

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

 

Why is this so hard for us to do? ‭

Because it’s BORING.

 

How much more fun is it to whisper about what might be happening?

To talk about what you’ve heard?

Bad news is fun news… and it’s also far more comfortable to sit and not investigate what you hear.

Actually, comfortable is the wrong word.

It’s lazy.

 

How boring is it to take personal responsibility for what information you’re choosing to let into your life.

 

How easy is it to shrug off one side of the story because you have to go looking for it.

 

Friends, how different would our community look if we cared more about people than about the stories we hear about them?

 

Answer this: would you be willing to spend time with “heroic bible characters” in light of their everyday struggles… or even their occasional major screw ups?

My heart has been WRECKED lately by God pointing out the what if’s of the Bible.

 

For example: what if I had heard about Moses from someone in church? Good looking guy, but did you hear that he murdered someone a few years ago? Talk about a potential threat. Also, I heard he’s a bit of a coward when it comes to verbal confrontation. Maybe he shouldn’t be involved in our community.

 

Did you hear about Peter? Guy cannot shake this sailor mouth deal. I can’t believe he can’t figure it out… you think all that time rubbing shoulders with Jesus would have changed him. He must be doing something wrong. He can’t actually be a real follower of Jesus.

 

Did you hear about Noah? Dude Man saw God do the craziest things, and yet he still can’t shake being an alcoholic. We should “pray” for him.

 

Did you hear about David? Lazy idiot didn’t do his job and go to war… and then decided he was entitled enough to pressure a married woman to sleep with him because he was bored and horny… and got her pregnant… and then lied in an attempt to trick to her husband to cover up his mistake… and then MURDERED that husband because he wasn’t following along with the lie and took his widow as his own wife. Definitely can’t associate with him… if we do, we’re condoning what he’s doing.

 

And I can go on and on and on.

 

But do you notice a common theme?

 

These people who would make any good, bible believing, church going, Jesus follower squirm in their seat are the ones that God uses to tell His story.

 

Last time I checked, the straight A bible scholars who care so much about the rules are the ones that miss out… they’re so busy making sure they earn their salvation instead of being concerned with others.

The pharisees missed out.  Last time I checked, they were the ones that were scolded for only seeing one side of the story.

 

Now, hear me: I am not under any circumstances saying that intentionally making mistakes and living in sin is okay. It’s not.

What I am saying is brokenness is a gift. Weakness is a gift. And the people who God chooses to use over and over and over again are the ones that are broken… that have heavy handed weaknesses… the ones that trip and fall all the time but all the more lift their hands up to be lifted back into the arms of their Father.

 

The unfortunate reality is that the intentionality in living in truth with one another has vanished because our blouses might get dirty from hugging the prodigal son when he returns.

Our reputation may be tarnished from kneeling down to grab the hand of the prostitute, who has done all she can to get near to the One who might just be able to make her see her true worth instead of those bills tucked into her bra from her last customer.

Our friendships might crumble because we choose to value people over the single sided story.

 

Our tendency is to shy away from those who seem to be wading through crap because crap stinks and stains.

But look down: you’re in it too.

Our tendency is to wade toward others who have the same sort of limps that we do… not always for the right reasons…. Sometimes it’s because they are much better at validating your hurt feelings over challenging you to walk in truth and love.

 

Check your hearts, friends.

I’m checking mine.

Speaking the truth in love doesn’t mean sugar coating it so that the truth feels good. Truth is hard and it hurts sometimes. And you can be offended by that truth, sure.

But truth is the only thing that transforms. It is the only thing that shores up your brokenness, and it’s the only way things are healed.

 

Remember this, God doesn’t hate much… but He hates lies.

“These six things the Lord hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren” (Proverbs 6:16-19).

Why?

Because He is truth. He is light. He is good.

Lies are literally the exact opposite of those things.

 

Seek truth, friends. Seek goodness and seek beauty. There, you will find Jesus, and all of the wisdom, peace and joy that help you wade through life well.

 

 

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year… Kind Of

Dear Reader,

Just about anywhere you look on the internet right now, you’ll find someone focusing in on how stupid  2016 was… whether it be how many beloved celebrities died, or what disasters took place (terrorist attacks, natural stuff, the election, etc).

It’s become a bit of a sad joke, it seems…  one that you laugh at so as not to cry.

 

2016 hasn’t been terribly sweet to me either on a personal level…. most of it, I’ve wanted to punch in the face.

It’s been the most challenging year that I’ve ever lived through, which some would say gives me room to mope.

Even yesterday, I caught myself in the downward spiral of negativity that the world has taken on, claiming that I really only had two good things happen this whole year, which absolutely isn’t true.

But this morning, Jesus tapped on my forehead and challenged me in my negativity, which was slightly annoying because pity parties are so much easier and enjoyable in a masochistic way, especially at 5:45am.

 

While this year has been really hard, there is goodness laced in the midst of the dirt, whether you want to see it or not.

 

So here are some good things about my 2016:

• I was given a temporary full time job that I adored, with students that added a whole new wing to my hall of favorites.
• I grew in my adaptability, flexibility and humility.
• I gained a ton of knowledge, and read more than I have in a long time.
• I got to experience being pregnant, which was wonderful about 95% of the time.
• Brady and I celebrated a year of being married.
• I have sweet new friendships that are so life giving, even if I don’t get the chance to spend much time with those individuals.
• We met our beautiful son, who has absolutely taken the cake for being the best kid in the world.
• I’ve grown sturdier in my beliefs and personal convictions, specifically in what it means to follow Jesus, how He views marriage, how He views me, and my callings.
• I’ve grown in my endeavors with photo… shooting more this year than I ever have before, and praying for continued blessing in that realm in this next.
• I learned that I love asparagus.
• I flew 4 hours with my 6 week old so that he could surprise and meet his great grandparents.
• My sister and I drove through Ohio, Pennsylvania and part of New York just because we could.
• I went racing for the first time, and discovered I’m not horrendous at it.
• I found out I can hit a baseball traveling at 60 mph.
• I went to multiple Angels games, which is always a good thing.
• I took Memphis to Disneyland, and it was as awesome as I thought it would be (it’ll be even more amazing when he can actually process whats going on… but it was still amazing).
• I learned that home isn’t a structure.
• Jesus has had my forehead against His for the last 7 months… and I know Him better now than I ever have before.

 

The most crucial thing I think we can all take away from this whirlwind of a year is that you can sit and mope in the sorrowful moments (and there is absolutely a time and place for that), you can let yourself be totally defined by your life’s circumstances, and you can let really awful situations dictate the way you will live.

Or you can choose to shift your head and allow your life to be bigger than the negative, because letting yourself be defined by the negative only holds you back, and that’s not the life that Jesus has for you.

 

Yes, 2016 was the fat, mean bully kid who threw up in your hair and then laughed.

But for me, it was the year that I grew up more than ever … it’s the year that I am able to look back on and absolutely say without a shadow of doubt that I became more like Christ… and the year where I sowed in more than I reaped.

The beauty of sowing in means that come harvest time, God honors that work.

 

So back to this morning. At 5:45, I got to wake up from an utterly restless night of sleep with a pounding headache. Annoyed and frustrated I mumbled “Figures that this would be the way the last day of this stupid year would start.”

And instead of just leaving me alone in my pity party, Jesus scooched into my world and said, “Honey, remember this:

‘Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,

or, whine, Israel, saying,

“God has lost track of me.

He doesn’t care what happens to me”?

Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening?

God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.

He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.

He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.

And he knows everything, inside and out.

He energizes those who get tired,

gives fresh strength to dropouts.

For even young people tire and drop out,

young folk in their prime stumble and fall.

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.

They spread their wings and soar like eagles,

They run and don’t get tired,

they walk and don’t lag behind.’

Seek the good, Ali. I gave you good things this year…  and I give good gifts, even if they weren’t what you were expecting or asking for. I will sustain you.”

 

So with all that, I’m refusing to live in a world where my life is defined by the difficulty and the struggle. Instead, I’m practicing hunting for the lace in the midst of the dirt… of letting the hard times shake off the dust that covers the beauty… of choosing goodness, truth and beauty over evil, lies and destruction.

 

Just like Lucy and Susan sat in the shrubs and cried as their Aslan was killed…  just like the disciples sat in hidden mourning for a day before resurrection happened… and just like the villains of those stories (both fictional and fact) celebrated their temporary victory… so it is with this year.

2016 is the Holy Saturday of the Redemption weekend… where all hope seems lost and the world is at its darkest.

 

It would be so easy to let the enemy steal my joy, my purpose, and  my grace. It would be easy to let him destroy my life and my heart,  and to give him the space to kill the goodness, kill the lessons and kill the potential.

But he can only do that if I give him room to do so, and I say to hell with him.

Because when it comes down to it, I’m called to be a warrior, not a victim. Hell fears me… not the other way around.

 

I’d rather be defined by my pursuit of goodness, truth and beauty than by the crap that happens to me. I think my little one deserves an example of a relationship with Christ that is vibrant and boundless. He deserves a mom that lives in graceful strength and boldness. He deserves to see someone who chooses to hunt for the good and not settle for being a victim of bad circumstances. And my goodness, the world needs people like that more than whiners and pity party hosts.

 

So, dear reader, I challenge you to hunt for the pearls in this past year. Seek out the good. Find the lessons and learn.

And in the times when your strength wanes, remember the promises in Isaiah. Speak them out, and trust in a God that takes ashes and makes something beautiful.

That Awkward Moment When Jesus Says Things That Annoy You

Dear Reader,

Life isn’t always as cookie cutter as we might like it to be.

Sometimes, things go exactly how we hope… all of our expectations are met, all of our self-inflicted concerns are washed away in a moment of completeness, and all of our hopes become realities as we find ourselves living in a fairy tale that Disney would obviously love to create into a multi-billion dollar blockbuster.

But then there are those moments, when all your hopes are hinged on something you believe would be wonderful. And you have faithfully prayed for the thing that your hopes are hinged on… and you faithfully believe that God hears you and knows what’s best for you… and it doesn’t work out.

It is then when Jesus sometimes leans in and says something that is totally obnoxious to your human brain and heart and eternal (but still human) soul.

Sometimes, Jesus leans in and says things like, “Hey,so, do you trust Me?”

I don’t mean this in jest toward the Lord. I adore Him, I respect Him, and I trust Him.

But sometimes, Jesus is a punk… even in scripture. Remember the lame man at the Pool of Bethesda?

Do you remember the audacious words that Jesus flung at him?

This man had been sitting at this pool waiting for his potential turn to touch the water when the angel came and stirred it up… he had been waiting for 38 years. Waiting on faith… but waiting and always being too late to the pool when it came time for healing.

And what does Jesus do?

Does He offer to carry him to the pool when it is time? No.

Does He touch this man to heal him and sing sweet hymns over him? No.

Is He even considerate in His language toward the man? Um… no, it doesn’t seem so.

Jesus first walks up to the poor guy and basically says (in the NAV – New Ali Version), “Hey dude, so… do you want to be healed or what?”

And all I can picture is this 40 year old man looking at this punk 30 year old Man with total annoyed disgust splattered all over his face. His response captures exactly that. Again in the NAV, “Uh yeah Dude… but I’ve been here day in a day out and no fool has helped me… no one has picked me up and carried me into the pool like a good 30 year old person would do if they cared about goodness… you punk.”

And you might THINK that Jesus would be nice at this point… you might THINK that Jesus would say, “Aw man I’m so sorry. I’m just feeling sassy today. I’ll help you out… don’t trip… and I don’t mean that literally… again sorry for the sass.”

But no.

Jesus looks at this man who is incapable of standing up on his own and says, “Dude. Get up.”

Of all the obnoxious things to say to a guy who has experienced paralysis for almost 40 years, Jesus chooses the most socially unacceptable statement.

I don’t know the rate at which this man understood that he had, in fact, been healed… but he obeys Jesus and is so ecstatic about his newly acquired talent for walking, he forgets to even ask for Jesus’ name. Jesus being a master at the Irish Exit vanishes from the scene without any warning.

Has this ever happened to you?

Has Jesus ever been sassy in your life? Because He has been to me.

Have you ever gotten exactly what you hoped for and ran away into the sunset of success, leaving Jesus by the pool of sick people without even so much as a “hey thanks for all the help!” ?

Or, maybe you’ve been waiting by the pool for what is expected and you always arrive one minute too late… everything you’ve been hoping for, longing for and wanting has vanished. Have you ever been there?

Have you ever been in the place where you look up at the sky and frustratedly blurt out “Why couldn’t it have worked out that way, God? Don’t You know that I was praying for it?!  Don’t You know? Don’t You know that I need this?! Don’t You?!”

Because I’ve been there. I’ve been there often. It’s really easy to play the sweet, humble Christian girl and say things like, “Oh yes, I know God’s plan is bigger than mine… God knows better and I trust Him…”

But really, your heart is screaming I’m SO ANNOYED WITH GOD RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE DOESN’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I NEED.

Sound familiar? “There’s no one to take me to the pool… You don’t understand what I need.”

Really I think it’s in those moments when Jesus is shaking His head and saying, “Dearest Heart, just wait. Just wait because I am doing something better than you expected.”

In the end, the once-lame man is running around telling people that he had been healed by the Nameless Wonder, thrilled about his story, thrilled that it happened another way other than the darn pool that had been his foreground and hope for years.

And Jesus finds him in the temple, introduces Himself and then says “Stop sinning… because the consequences of that are so much worse than laying by a pool in the dirt your whole life waiting to be healed.”

Jesus finds this man to save him. Then, the man goes and tells everyone he can that Jesus healed him fully.

This is so important.

Why?

Because Jesus isn’t into the temporary fix. He isn’t into happy… He’s into Joy. He isn’t into making circumstances right just for the sake of what is right… He’s into making you realize how much He cares about every area in your life so that you understand just how much you need Him.

I love that Jesus is sassy. I love that He doesn’t answer in the ways that I want Him to… because that allows me to become a real person… not a spoiled rotten princess.

Because don’t you know? Rot does not exist in the Kingdom of Heaven, and Jesus refuses to let it infest your soul.

Not getting the answer the way I want it to come allows me to be raw with God… which is something that I think is forgotten about in church culture. Don’t you know that God knows how upset and frustrated you are? Why are you trying to hide that from Him? Don’t you know that you’re His kid, and He wants you to be able to bury your face into His chest with total irritation?

And it also allows me to actually come to a place where I can honestly say and fully believe that I trust God in all things… in my disappointment and in my success.

Late Night Collisions

Dear Reader,

One of the most freeing, and yet most sobering truths was brought to my remembrance tonight.

One of those Peterbilt-runs-headlong-into- your-mind moments.

It’s encouraging, and yet not simultaneously, which makes it difficult to take ownership of.

 

The truth?

We are flawed, messy, rancid, awful sinners.

And it doesn’t stop there… no no… it gets even more painfully uncomfortable before it can get any better.

Our sin… your sinful behavior… my sinful choices… they don’t make us sinners. Our behavior doesn’t dictate our identity.

 

In fact, our choices that are self centered, animalistic, destructive and anti-christ are all due to the fact that we are sinners by nature.

I am a sinner, therefore I sin.

 

Our behavior might not dictate our identity, but it does reflect it.

It demonstrates where we are in our acceptance of God’s love and grace in our lives, but does not hold us captive to the farce-filled labels that are placed on you by the enemy, as well as by your shame, fear, guilt and self-condemnation.

 

I am a sinner, therefore I am naturally inclined to behave sinfully.

 

So how do I fix my propensity to self-destruct from selfish choices, prideful attitudes and wrath filled thoughts?

 

I am the problem… and until I decide to face that head on, nothing changes.

Temporary behavior modification for the satisfaction of others is the only outcome… and that is not salvation or love.

 

The only way I’ve seen it work is how it is laid out by Jesus:

Deny yourself.

Pick up selflessness.

Follow Christ’s example.

 

How is this good news at all?

You are a sinner… a hot mess full of all sorts of junk that isn’t how you were meant to live. It’s a heart issue (Jeremiah 17:9)… not an actions issue (Mark 7:21-23). You just are a hopeless mess that was born that way (Psalm 51:5).

But God in His loving, gracious, reckless adoration said, “I’m not finished with you, beloved” (Philipians 1:6).

Falling In Love With The Unconventional

Dear Reader,

Unconventional is defined as something that is not based on or conforming to what is generally done or believed.

In my short lived lifetime, it is a word that has not fully intertwined itself into my story.

Yes, there were definitely moments where it brushed my shoulder or tripped me to keep me on my toes… but it never wrapped its arms around my waist and spun me around with ease.

Not until recently.

 

Unconventional usually grabs hold of your hand when you grab hold of the Father’s hand. It usually invades when you look to the Savior and say, “What would You like for my life?”

 

Five months ago, this term careened into my life with such unexpectedness, wrapped up in a 50’s inspired/cowboy rustic, fun-loving, passionate individual.

 

You see, dear reader, five months ago, I had resigned myself to the idea that I would not be dating for quite some time.

Due to particular circumstances, I believed that a prolonged stint of alone-ness/singularity was exactly what I needed.

The Lord thought otherwise.

 

I’m sure He smirked when I walked out of my American Literature class to find a voicemail from a long lost friend, asking me to have dinner with him the next evening.

No strings attached. Just two friends spending time together.

 

I’m sure He laughed at me when I left the table at dinner to collect my thoughts, calm my butterflies and have a stern talking to with Him about this curveball that He had pitched me… the curveball of the friend who had been in and out of my life for a few years, but was one whom I felt I had known well all along, and one that would be very important from that point on.

 

Unconventional is the only word I can use to describe that friend-outing-turned-date-turned-relationship.

 

That night, I began falling for someone who was more real with me than most anyone ever is in the midst of first conversations and trusted me with struggles that most choose to skirt around for some time, even though it was probably difficult to do.

 

I began falling for someone with so much persistence and conviction that pursuing me has been an all gas and no brakes affair,  in which fighting for me was non-negotiable and being bold was the only way to go. If this pursuit could be summed up in one image, I think it would look something like this:.

 

Ever since that night, I have gotten the privilege and the blessing of falling in love with someone who has grown into one of my very best friends.

I’ve gotten to experience the blessing of being valued so highly and respected for my thoughts and heart… from bouquets of flowers, to tight hugs, to intelligent conversation, to encouragements inspired by his relationship with Jesus.

 

I’ve gotten to experience the joy of moments that are unexpected blessings. They are small moments that would seem like passing glances to many… but they are the ones that I have taken mental pictures of, and hold onto tightly.

Moments such as when I am grappling with self consciousness, and he takes the time to reiterate that I’m gorgeous… that my heart is beautiful…  and that he is astounded with how I reflect Christ (which always comes as a bit of a shock).

Moments like when I’m feeling frustrated with my circumstances and he takes the time to encourage me to handle things with grace and love rather than fostering the frustration with me and supporting my desire to act like a 4-year-old.

Moments when I’m feeling vulnerable and he takes my face in his hands and simply says,”I love just being with you.”

Moments when I’m most afraid that for some reason he’ll get tired of my antics and quirks and silliness, and instead he turns to me, kisses my forehead and says, “You’re my almost everything… besides Jesus.”

 

And it’s those moments that have me completely convinced that this is exactly what the Lord has for me… and I’m left speechless that He would bless me so abundantly.

We have run into our challenges, yes. The difficulties are there, which brings about learning.

We’re learning grace… learning to be part of a team…  how to take responsibility for our mistakes…. how to say I’m sorry… how to forgive … how to love well… how to laugh at ourselves… how to enjoy another, respect another, and lead/be led by another.

 

We’re learning what voices matter most in our lives.

 

We’re learning that expectations (within moral and Jesus’ filled reason) are from the devil.

 

We’re learning that love doesn’t cripple you as an individual, but accentuates your best qualities… drawing them out of one another to bring a joy to those around us.

 

But most importantly, we’re learning how to love like Christ loved the Church: recklessly and passionately.

 

We decided that we’re not dating… nor are we pursuing a relationship…

Those terms seem too trite.

We realize it is something deeper. Something so much more than a mere relationship.

Something to treasure, value and protect.

Something to celebrate, promote and enjoy.

Something to pray about, move toward, and know the Lord in.

This is what falling in love looks like.

It’s incredibly crazy… but it’s right.

It’s fast… but it’s exactly what we need.

It’s more than I ever possibly could have imagined, and greater than I ever would have dreamed.

It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and I never want to experience anything like this with anyone else ever again.

He has become my very best friend… someone who I laugh with, sing with, joke with, cry with, share with, learn with, quote movies, YouTube and Brian Regan with, walk with, run with, play with, and do life with.

We’ve been unconventional from day one, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Making My Soul Dance

Dear Reader,

Music has always been a major part of my life.

 

When I was little, I would slip on my pink tutu, put on Tchaikovsky, and twirl around the living room with my mom… drinking in the notes that made my feet move involuntarily.

 

To this day, there are songs that pull my heart and soul into communion with their notes… and I find myself falling in love with melodies.

 

Songs like Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay… Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong… Rhapsody in Blue… Below My Feet by Mumford and Sons…  and White Washed by August Burns Red.

 

I don’t fully understand the pull that they have on me… and at least once a month, I stumble upon other pieces of music that woo me into their arms with their melodies.

 

Moments when piano rings clear…. when the bass drops in a For Today song… moments when a cello’s soft and deep voice creeps into existence… when a guitar is plucked just the right way with the intent of sending chills down the spines of those who happen to hear it…These are the moments when I know that there is more to music than simply for the purpose of listening.

It teaches the willing heart to seek beauty.

It holds the ability to soothe and bring comfort.

It gives.

 

To me, music matters and will always matter, because it has taught me to look closely at my small world and seek out beautiful instances that make my skin and soul dance.